Penis Wavers & The Sexiest Man Alive

What up fam? I’ve been generous in my unwavering criticism of men lately. And who can blame me? I could not have anticipated the litany of powerful men that are prone to whipping out their members and forcing themselves on folks.  As far as I’m concerned, one too many have been accused of waving their junk like flags during Caribana or a soca fete. So like Beyonce “I’ve been thinking. I’ve been thinking” that men are trash. Actually that’s a damn lie. I have said with full bass and treble that “men are trash” more times than I can count of late.

Sidenote, I know someone wants to #allmenarenttrash me but wait and humor me.

But, I am a woman which means I can multi-task. So in between disgust and disdain, I also relish with unabridged joy when I think about the other side of the coin. You know what I mean. Those men that are equal parts;  warm delicious red velvet cake goodness or intoxicating like three glass too many of a smooth Pinot Noir. Some humans just got it like that. For instance, the other day, your one black friend was at the day job. I was minding my own business when this silver fox possibly ten years my senior joined our discussion. I tried not to stare into his dark eyes. I tried to not to notice his smile. I tried to stop my eyes from tracing his strong chin. I tried to ignore the fact that his biceps lined his suit perfectly. Did I mention that smile? A smile that could easily get one to do all the things one ain’t supposed to do. And sitting here and recalling “him” in this moment, all I can say is “good lawd.” He was magnificent in that what he shared was just as fascinating as his beautiful face, arms,  body and behind. Of course I noticed or perhaps, intentionally looked.

Need more proof? I was in Austin for SXSW Edu a few months ago. and I was running like mad to get to a session when I saw this flash of chocolate goodness aka a fine as hell black man. However, I was late and since I’m a professional, I stole a quick peek and kept it moving.  As luck would have it,  I hauled tail to the wrong meeting room on the wrong floor. True to form, I picked myself up and proceeded to dash downstairs. As I was dashing I saw that man again and this time he was headed in my direction. And because subtly is NOT one of my strongest qualities, this time around he saw me, seeing him. I share all of this because as much as I can’t stand disgusting penis obsessed predators, I love and appreciate smart men. Frankly some men are just so amazing in one form or fashion that we have to honor them. And some are so freaking sexy we must lust over them which brings me to People’s 2017 Sexiest Man Alive announcement. I had heard rumblings about this year’s sexiest man prior to the announcement and once it was confirmed, I was perplexed. And so I decided to give the announcement some thought.

I wondered how People magazine determined sexiness? I read their blurb but it didn’t sit well. As I pondered, I figured Blake Shelton was probably crowned for a few reasons. First People’s subscriber base must be very white. Perhaps, People’s subscriber base, still tunes into basic cable, they enjoy country music, and maybe they don’t have one black friend like me or maybe any non white friends at all.  With this line of thinking, Shelton’s sexiest man alive nod made more sense since he is on a popular show and is a successful country musician.

However…

I also figured Shelton’s publicist knows where a body is buried.

I’m not shading Blake Shelton, rather I’m just sharing what initially came to your one black friend’s mind.  Simply put, I was unfazed and unbothered, two things that never happen when I encounter a sexy man. In fact more often than not, when I encounter a sexy man, I tend to be uber fazed, hot, and bothered. So with that, I decided to create my own list of sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy, men. Furthermore, People’s list of the sexiest men over the years is whack.  Let’s just say my suspicion about their subscriber base still holds up. Anyway, here is my list of sexiest men alive… but in no particular order.

To start with, I’d probably lose my ever loving shit if I ever ran into any of these beautiful souls because they are about something. This is my only real criteria beyond their physical appearance. Whether it’s music, acting, sports, or social justice, they have it going on and then some.

First, Riz Ahmed; let me start by saying I just want him to say my name and tell me all is well. And even if every ever-lovin thing was about to go sideways, I’d believe him. Riz is bae because he’s smart, he’s outspoken, and he uses his platform for the greater good.

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Next up, truth be told,  I’ve been crushing on Gael García Bernal, since Y Tu Mamá También.  I know that movie came out years ago, but I’m loyal in my love for Gael and don’t try to tell me otherwise. I’ve seen him in other movies and he is consistently lovely. He just has to smile and I’ll believe everything he tells me. Like Riz, Gael uses his platform in a meaningful and intentional way. Gael, mi amor.

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Justin Baldoni is an under the radar hotty. Let’s gaze at him for a moment….

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Ok so, Justin Baldoni, sexy right? I watch Jane the Virgin religiously. The show is so funny that I wish my life was a telenovela. Since it is not, I make up for it by being a tad bit dramatic in real life. He is beyond gorgeous and he’s got so much to say about toxic masculinity, supporting women and marginalized people and for this I love him.

Jason MAnd then there is Jason Momoa. Please don’t say a single word to me about sexiness unless you agree Jason Momoa is sexy personafied. Seriously, Jason Momoa is sexy in every ever loving way. He’s a massive specimen of a man. He’s got that wild hair and dangerous smile. He’s effing gorgeous. He’s also a nature loving family man. I could be happy, eating nuts, and berries, living off the land and levitating in whatever world Jason deemed worthy. All I can say is, damn, Jason, damn!

On the other side, there’s Colin Kaepernick, the former footballer that has successfully pissed off half of America by speaking out against police brutality. As for the other half of America a bunch of us want to run our fingers through his large beautiful afro. You need a braid up Kaep? Let me grease that scalp boo. Should we read Invisible Man or The Bluest Eyes together and then discuss? Maybe we could enjoy some spoken word and Coltrane together. Colin Kaepernick stands up for what he believes in and for that he’s sexier than he knows.Colin-Kaepernick-Man-of-the-Year-1217-GQ-FECK01-01

It gets better, Kaep is also vegan, he loves the “chiren” and let just say he is cut in all the right places. After gazing into his eyes, I’d be happy to join him at a #blacklivesmatter march or any social justice activity because they are important and cause Colin Kaepernick is my social justice bae. Wherever the GOAT is; I know he’s proud of Colin Kaepernick. “Float like a butterfly,sting like a bee. ”

So to recap, we’ve got actors and activists and then there’s Idris Elba. He’s a DJ, he models, and he acts. I think it is safe to say, he is a triple threat and white people famous. Like Denzel Washington, he is that guy that will cause women of all races, religions, or creeds to scratch each other’s eyes out. Idris-Elba

And on top of that he’s got that British accent. I would pay money to see him as the first black James Bond. Frankly, I’d watch him in just about anything. Idris is so darn sexy that one of my buddies (a white woman) told me she’d push me off a cliff for a chance with him. I love her dearly and understand cause I would push her arse off a cliff too. Love you Christine. Idris Elba is bae!

Let’s keep the chocolate goodness going.  Enter Michael B. Jordan, he is sexy. And the good news, he’ll be sexy for years to come given his age. He’s been in several easily forgotten films but then he pivoted. And then came his leading man performance in Creed. I’m not sure when it happened exactly but he owns a coveted spot on a list we don’t talk about. Since I’m your one black friend, I’ll tell you, truth be told most respectable women have a “he could get it list.” Michael B. Jordan is always on these list.

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Switching gears ever so slightly, can we shout out Mr. Hasan Minhaj? He is adorable and funny. Brown guys never seem to show up on anyone’s sexiest list and that’s totally whack. Either way, Hasan is sexy cause he’s smart and funny. He also has great hair, dreamy eyes, and a beautiful smile. Hasan is low key, makes a girl laugh till she snorts, sexy. He also has a lot to say about social issues and important causes. Hasan is the funny guy smart girls cling to and whisper “Hey boo”hasan-minhaj-08

Whilst  I’m at it, John Cho is another sexy dude that doesn’t get enough love as far as I’m concerned. After all these years, he still delights me with that amazing hair, devilish smile, and tinge of naughtiness about him. I’m not alone in this. John Cho guest starred on The Mindy Project a few years ago, when asked, Mindy Kaling couldn’t stop complimenting John Cho. She is hilarious and also crushes on Cho. In fact Kaling said “Cho is the shizzle” and as far as I’m concerned, that he is.
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Anyone who knows me, knows Juanes is high on my sexiest man alive list. Frankly, it’s hard to type and not crush on him.  Also, statistically, you can’t have one name if you aren’t special. Think Madonna or Prince or Cher, but I digress, Juanes is the fine as hell Colombian rocker. Frankly he could sing me and tons of ladies into sporadic nakedness on a whim. Juanes is Juanes, just deal with it! And on top of being gorgeous, he is the Goodwill Ambassador to United Colombia. He has also contributed to various charitable causes over the years. I can’t say enough about this guy. Mi amor, tambien…juanes.jpg

 

Up next, a treat for for Marvel fans. Mike Cotler is everything we imagined Luke Cage could be in real life. So Marvel created the Luke Cage superhero character in the 70’s. He’s an ex-convict imprisoned for a crime he did not commit. He gains superhuman strength and unbreakable skin after being subjected to an experimental procedure.  So we agree, superhuman strength and unbreakable skin are two things a black man could use in America right? Anyways, Cotler brought this character to life in a major way a few years ago and I haven’t been the same since.

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Did somebody say chocolate and goodness? No? Well since we’re here, let’s focus on Kofi Siriboe anyway. He’s a beautiful model, turned actor. I enjoy watching him on Queen Sugar. I could give up city life, if it meant Ralph Angel aka Kofi Siriboe would harvest cane and my heart. Damn, Kofi, Damn! Let’s take another moment to just gaze….Kofi

Ok enough gazing, up next, what can I say about Oscar Isaac other than he is dark and devastatingly handsome. He’s also a frigging chameleon. As an actor he shows up and looks like whoever he’s playing. He’s a joy to watch in anything he does for more reasons than one. Those  bedroom eyes, though, hello1

We’re almost to the end, but enter, Ryan Gosling and Chris Hemsworth to round out my list. Both are painfully sexy and on top of that they appear to be a relatively decent humans and more impressive, doting dads. But their abs though. Both have got people stuttering and drooling and what not.

Hey girl is poetic and lyrical thanks to Gosling and don’t try to tell me otherwise. What’s more, Ryan and Chris are bae dads. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if dad bods looked like Ryan or Chris’s bods? One can dream a little dream right?

I honestly could go on but I’m going to end my sexiest man alive list with Lenny Kravitz. Seriously, do I need to tell you why he’s sexy?

Lenny Kravitz

Look at him! Lenny Kravitz is sexy in perpetuity. He’s so frigging talented and beautiful. He’s creative and everything awesome. Years from now when I’m dust and we’ve successfully advanced as a society, women will look back at Lenny Kravitz and still say damn, Lenny, you are sexy AF!

So this is what I got. When you feel a little blue because men at large appear to be disgusting, come back to this post and here’s why:  In my little world, sexy and chauvinist do not go together. Sexy and shallow don’t jive. Sexy and close-minded cannot mesh because men are men which means they have to BE about something. They have to have something to say because it’s a man’s world. So as far as I’m concerned, men you don’t get to just be good looking.  Men can’t be sexy AND violent or dressed zoo animals. They can’t be sexy if they’re dumb as rocks, a wee bit racist, sexist,or homophobic.

In order to be sexy men literally have to have a little extra something to them. They have to have something unfucking deniable about them.

Without that extra something, it is hard to pick them out from the penis wavers, meat-sticks, douchey dumbasses, predators and such.

Please note, I don’t own any of these images. I just pulled them from the web to support this post.

 

 

 

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