Unicorns, Men, & Meatsticks

Anybody completely disgusted with men this week?

How’s that for an opening? I promise, this isn’t going to be a man hating post. Stay with me for a minute because I need to vent about Harvey Weinstein and his ilk.  When it isn’t stories about him whipping out his penis, or grabbing someone’s this or that, it’s some other powerful Weinstein-esqe he-man rubbing up and threatening someone else.  What’s worse, the soulless shadow people that have the nerve to comment on what women and victims in these cases should do to avoid being assaulted.

I mean WTF?

Judgy Baby5

I am officially on the verge of losing my fabulous shit but can you blame me?  This line of thinking means women or victims can’t just exist. This means women or victims should have armed security, wear full bodysuits adorned with sharp pointy things and converse with the Weinstein’s of the world’s via carrier pigeon. These people don’t get that there is nothing that a woman or victim can do to stop a predator from being an effing garbage human predator!

On the bright side, this scandal has ballooned into a wider discussion but before we go there, let’s get back to my being disgusted with men this week. I know somebody is #allmenarentbad- ing me right now and to that person I say: “Really Brian? All men aren’t bad? Obviously, I know that, but right now, I’m waxing on about the bad ones. So humor me.”

Whilst Brian cools his jets, this is where I was going all along. I’ve come to the conclusion that we need to identify and talk about Unicorns, Garden Variety Men, and Meatsticks. I’m not suggesting billboards because that could be expensive but I am suggesting that we all collectively reserve mental space and engage the other gender with a twist.

Let’s start with Unicorns. I truly enjoy the company of thinkers. I am drawn to people that have day jobs but only so that they can keep their health insurance. Day jobs help them finance their true passions. I love musing with these humans, these beautiful batshit crazy ambitious humans. On the flipside, I also love, straight up life ain’t about creating the next big who’s it what’s it, humans. These salt of the earth beings go the other way. They have an acute appreciation for simple and real things like;  family, nature, decency, friends, good food, jokes, music, and kittens as well as all baby animals. These humans go to day jobs as well, but only because they have to,because we all do.

Now, I have to be honest, sometimes when these beautiful souls show up in the male form I lose my fabulous shit.  What does that look like? My ears get hot and if I could blush I would, but I’m black, so I can’t. Let’s gaze for a moment…


Anyway, in general, I appreciate their realness, we all do. These humans never hold court. They aren’t the most popular in the crowd. They aren’t the life of the party. But don’t get me wrong, they aren’t overly shy or quiet, rather the world is noisy and filled with soulless shadow people so it’s often hard to pick them out, but Unicorns exist.  Unicorns are among us! Your best friend’s awesome husband is a Unicorn. Your father that taught you how to check your oil because he thinks women can do anything is a Unicorn. Your boss that never takes credit for your work and is always pushing you into challenging projects is a Unicorn. Your colleague at work that never talks over you and values collaboration is a Unicorn. Your best friend, that gave you his sweater, so you could cover your butt, when you got your period two weeks early, and then acted like it was just Tuesday, when it was just Tuesday, is a Unicorn. There are tons of Unicorns out here existing and being decent humans.

Side note, I am in the market for a single Unicorn.  Said Unicorn must be kind and love his momma, but not too much. Said Unicorn should also love Jesus, baby animals and black girls. If you know of one, please contact your one black friend.

So yeah, Unicorns exist, and yet I’m still having an “all men are disgusting week”  because and much to my chagrin, there’s a lot of icky Garden Variety Men and Meatsticks. To be clear, any human can be a Unicorn, but unfortunately, some males find it easier to be the Kraft Cheese Singles of humanity or worse effing Neanderthals. We all know these humans but let’s riff on Garden Variety Men for a spell.  They hear their friends sexist comments. They see their friends being violent. These guys agree that cheating is sometimes acceptable if a lady stops putting out or worse gains a few lbs. These sorry sacks in cargo pants rarely stick up for anything or anyone. What’s worse, these guys think they deserve a badge of honor for intermittent decency. They don’t swear. They aren’t overtly racist, oh they love momma and Jesus, and aren’t cheaters themselves, so we should all thank them.  They think they’re nice guys, they tell you they’re nice guys, but alas, they are not nice guys. The world is filled with do wishy-washy, manchild, stand for nothing, milktoast, Garden Variety Men.

Can you tell I’m sick of their shit? I’m sure you are too.


So to recap, Unicorns and Garden Variety Men are among us, but there’s more. Evolution missed some males altogether. Sadly only predators get the spotlight but there are tons of non-predators that need calling out. These Neanderthals know enough not to bathe in Cool Water cologne. They also chew without making a sound. But to avoid more trauma and to identify the face of toxic masculinity, we need to call this ilk of human by name. Let me introduce you to them. Meatsticks offend without trying. Meatsticks constantly spew bullshit. Meatsticks think they can do and say whatever they want. Meatsticks lie, cheat, and steal. Meatsticks are everywhere and modern society constantly rewards their tomfoolery. Meatsticks think they own you. Meatsticks are above reproach. Try to call a Meatstick out for their Meatstick bullshit and prepare to throw down. Meatsticks come in every race, religion, and creed. Some Meatsticks are  Meatsticks with a little flossy floss in that they’ve read books and traveled a bit and they have stamps to prove it. Some Meatsticks even have one black friend. Meatsticks aren’t always predators but predators are always Meatsicks.

So what do we do when we encounter Unicorns, Garden Variety Men, or Meatsticks?Unicorns are the easiest, I say enjoy, and honor Unicorns. If you’re a parent try to raise a Unicorn. If you are single and you meet a Unicorn, book a one way ticket to boo’d up by way of bae-everafter.  We should support and stay close to Unicorns as much as we can.

As for what to do with Garden Variety Men and Meatsticks; honestly that’s too much for this post.  I needed to vent, but thriving amongst Men and Meatsticks is a topic for another day.  The good news, it can be done, because we do it everyday.

The other good news, I’m slightly less disgusted now, and I hope you are too. #YROBG















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